It was kind of funny.

After I posted my blog, (finally, for real I had this ready for weeks before) I realized that I was now accountable to keep it up, somewhat, because there are actually people reading it! ha.

PRIOR WARNING: This post is going to be a little all over the place, but that is usually how my mind works.

School starts in a week and Jeremy and I have been trying to figure out which laptop I should get because the one I have been using for like 2 years is this cute, but very very old macbook and I am actually attached to that too! But I know I seriously need an upgrade becccauusse I'm a film major...and my laptop will be going with me everywhere, and will need to sit up with me through many editing sessions that will probably occur long past midnight. It's crazy that I can finally say that I am majoring in something that I have wanted to do FOR FOREVER and it's crazy that I'm about to really start that journey. Of course, the first few semesters will probably be...hard...just because there's going to be a lot of weeding out and I know this is what I have waited for but at the same time I can't help but feel that anxiety and panic under the surface, because what if I get weeded? Of course, the moment I think that I know that I'm pretty much dooming myself and I know I won't. Because I refuse to. I might go down in flames giving it all I've got but I would rather do that and push myself beyond anything I know than give up before I have really given everything.

That might sound a bit dramatic but that's okay, my point is understood right?

I wonder how anyone, especially Jeremy, can live with me sometimes! I just think on deep levels all the time and extremes, but I like to believe it's because I just feel EVERYTHING all the time, and I honestly wish I could just think calmly and normally and stick to just myself. But then I see things that have happened to others that has seriously ripped their emotions right out and I FEEL FOR THEM. I can't always exactly say I've had the same experience but I empathize and I can relate in different ways to their emotions. Life can really just be a...jerk. There is a girl I've known for the majority of my life who i've never been best friends or anything with but I still have known her forever and she lost her other half, sister, and twin a year ago and she wrote on her sister's blog and was able to finally write about the whole experience in such candid, deep words that show just a fraction of her life "after" and the emotions she's felt and continues to feel. It breaks my heart.

It's so hard to see beyond what we're going through to that silver lining somewhere way out in the deep space of time and the future. I don't know how anyone gets through grief or loss really. I tend to avoid those things like the plague. I never know what to do, how to feel, what to say, and most importantly how to move on. Where do you go when you feel half the world away from life? It can get pretty depressing.

But seriously, I found a fantastic quote that states perfectly what I have been trying to say about finding your person, in whatever kind of relationship that may be, and sticking with them because they will help you get through those hard times in life that you just can't do on your own. So don't bother trying to be martyr.

I have come to understand this quote with not just my husband, but also with friends who have stayed up with me eating late dinners after a terrible day or who aren't afraid to set me straight while still being my biggest fans. It's not an easy job, let me tell ya, but I can say that I am here still because of those remarkable people that have kept me grounded when I felt myself slipping away.

I couldn't feel more grateful for friends and family alike. So that's what I have been thinking about this past week and if there's one thing I want you guys to take away from my musings, it's that life is so hard. So why do we choose to struggle through it on our own sometimes? Even when we think we're protecting others from our madness, we're really just pulling them through it anyway, just on a separate plane from us.

Remember that friends and I hope this didn't ruin anyone's week, just remember you're never alone, and you don't have to be!! Let those who love you care for you, just as you would to them.

Jessi Hope