CAUTION: These are my very raw and real emotions and thoughts that I felt before, during, and after the election. For whoever is reading this, if it offends you you do not have to read this. But I hope there can be good conversations and clarity for us all. Not to mention that I do not know everything and I cannot say that I am the leader and perfect advocate for discriminated groups! But I hope to become more involved in the best way I know how...by SPEAKING OUT and talking about what I feel. Here we go.

For the first time, I am completely shocked at what has happened within this country. I am beyond any words that I could say, or do, or even think.

We have a racist, bigoted, white-privileged man who wants to ban Muslims from the country, and shut out the minorities even more than they already are, and who wants to turn back time to times when the white man was on top. Not to mention that he has complete disrespect for women who have fought right alongside black americans for freedom in their own way.

It is something that we have been reading about for years and years in our history classes, about the civil rights movement and all of the horrible things that happened then that left thousands and thousands of ethnic people in mourning over deaths of their loved ones and fear for their own lives.

It all started with one ideal, a speech, an under current of discussion into what the country wanted to do to keep those of color down. That's how anything starts. I have never felt such utter fear and dismay at the president for the first time in history we have elected with such a disastrous and sickening reputation, who also would like me and others like me to stay down and maybe even be pushed further into the ground. After all of the talks, discussions, and even heated debates I have had with others and even my family that have left me feeling ostracized and alone...I am sitting here today and realizing I have never felt more terrified for my life because I don't know who supported Donald J. Trump and his racist ideals that would rid my home country of people just like me. Alone and ostracized and most importantly misunderstood. The conversation was just getting started about these issues that have always been there dealing with discrimination, ignorance, and household racism, and we were getting incredible documentaries like The 13th that finally explained in a passionate, yet educated, manner "white privilege" and societal discrimination.

Now I feel that this country will be spiraling backwards into those horrible ideals that started not that long ago, where I am not 100% accepted now as an equal and seen as such, but as someone less than a person. It sounds crazy, I know. You will argue that I don't know racism and that people would never put someone else into slavery like they used to and that we would never have separated accommodations because who would do that right?? That's just it. It did happen. It was accepted. And it all starts with someone with ideals who have great power to influence many people. Once you get the ball rolling for those ideals, it doesn't take much to let it go and see how big it grows and how far it can get. That is already happening, with those that still believe in racism and discrimination and want more of it, who have come out of hiding to support a president who believes in what they do.

People wonder why I am scared, they wonder why I, living in Provo, Utah, feel the need to post about these things and "claim" that I am scared. I will tell you. I was getting very nervous over the reaction people have had to fight against the Black Lives Matter, and how they so easily and ignorantly missed the point that it wasn't about blacks being raised above whites, it was about the inherent racism that leads police officers to shoot unarmed black men and women because of their skin color. It was about equal treatment that we have been fighting for generation after generation. It was about how minority groups have been put in ghettos and out of the way, to comfort those white Americans that feared the power of the black man, or any other person of color.

Just because I wasn't around in the civil rights movement, or haven't been threatened, or even shot at, doesn't mean that I can't fight with my brothers and sisters still. Because that's what they are. When other people of color struggle or are murdered or put in jails for life to be kept out of sight, I am right there with them. Because it could be me. It could be my beautiful children I will raise someday. It could be my headstrong little brother who has to be constantly told to lower himself and hide himself to make those of lighter skin tones feel better and less "threatened".

So I have every right to feel the real fear and shock that I am feeling right now. This election will most certainly affect my life from here on out. It gives a comfortable place for those who would rather discriminate and get rid of those just like me, to stand up and fight against the change we are once again attempting to bring. Now they have a president who they can talk to who will listen and enact. It will start with something small too, and then all of a sudden I will be in a separate room from half of my family and friends. It sounds drastic and crazy right? Well let's hope it doesn't come to that and that Trump can prove that he is more than his nature or anything he has blatantly stood for. This is my home and I want to feel powerful, safe, and free but in this nation, it is becoming apparent that that day might never come. We are put in the midst of white people, and for some reason we are still seen as different and separate. And it is not that way with everyone and I thank God everyday for those incredible men and women that have stood with me and my people, fighting just as hard as we do everyday for equality in mind and action, not just on paper in the constitution.

We will fight on my brothers and sisters who stand with me to find a future where we will all truly be equal and loved, but right now... I am scared. I am feeling alone. I do not want to relive a horrible past, but history has a tendency to repeat itself, and we are in the 21st century where history has just evolved.

So,

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

-Jessi Hope