It was a bit of surreal day.

I remember being very frazzled, with trying to move out all of my things, while also having to do the embarrassing act of asking a friend if I could stay over. Which isn't actually that embarrassing, but I was mostly having to come to terms with the fact that it would just be me. It felt like a lifetime since I had done that.

It was a ridiculously hot day in Provo, Utah and I was already getting a bit annoyed with being tired and hungry and also emotionally stretched thin. I knew this day was coming and in fact I welcomed it! I was just ready to start moving on with my life and trying to move things along so that Jeremy and I could feel less in limbo.

Wait, I think I am jumping the gun for those who may be reading this and have kept up with my life up until the last few months. There is never an easy way of saying that something as serious and real as a marriage did not end up working out but I know a fast way to stunting recovery is through denial and avoidance. So here I go, being completely vulnerable and open with something so so hard. And I do not do it to gain sympathy or attention, but more out of a selfish need to release the words that have clung to the insides of my brain and heart. So this is just an extremely condensed version of the day that Jeremy and I filed for divorce, and the thoughts and emotions behind this decision.

Many people had already warned me about how my feelings would be effected and the difficulty of the road ahead, but you can never "prepare" for something like this. The moment when you are sitting casually in the public library while your husband is serving you divorce papers and shuffling things around so we can try to understand what we need to sign. There was a crazy amount of paperwork, let me tell ya. It was even crazier that it was almost like a regular business transaction. We went into the state law building and the clerk/officiate looked over our work, put a million stamps on everything, told Jeremy to sign here and there and I was just standing there on the side. Watching the lady next to me looking at the marble tiles, completely lost in thought. Staring at the gold wedding band the officiate was wearing. Playing with the zipper on my bag. Occasionally stealing a glance at Jeremy who would look at me with this sympathy and sadness and then I would quickly look away. We were even going as far as saying some jokes and small talk to the man signing our papers, for some unknown and ridiculous reason. I guess that was just the course of both of our coping mechanisms, but looking back I think it was all I could do not to run out of that building afterwards and to never look back at Jeremy or Provo ever again. Maybe it was just too much for me to realize that our marriage really was ending. There is this emotional numbness about all of this. Like, how can two people have such varying points of view on a matter like a marriage? Over a year of marriage and we still both believe that things went differently than the other is saying. I mean, I am so aware of everything that I have done wrong.

More than anything I am my worst critique and I am constantly fighting to keep my inner demons at bay. I think that it took us so long to just do the deed mostly because I was afraid of the decision and the change that would happen. To me, I thought that staying together was somehow making things work and that one day we would wake up and I would see Jeremy differently and all of a sudden I would be content with a life that I did not feel comfortable in. How could I really let our life together continue when I was barely holding on to my sanity and had even emotionally checked out for months? My heart breaks thinking of how that must have been for Jeremy and how it wasn't anything he had done wrong. It is just one of those huge decisions that some people are ready for, and others are not. There is the concept that I need to figure out my life now of who I am and where I stand on things, because I am no longer the same girl who entered a Mormon temple in 2016 thinking that I could just do everything I needed to and stick with the sweet, nice guy, and suppress those feelings that I was missing something or someone or experiences that I still needed to live on my own. How could I rob myself of living my life without limits and preconceived notions? How could I not allow myself the space and time to truly start all the way from scratch, a clean and open slate in my mind and path ahead, to decide who I am and what I value and to have a life that is completely built by ME? I no longer wanted to be a passenger in a life that I no longer fit in. And I could not rob my partner of the chance to have a life with someone who can fully commit to him and to live the way HE KNOWS HE WANTS. I think one of the most selfish and selfless decisions I ever made was putting my signature on those divorce papers. It was time to let go and move forward. Which is so much easier said than done, but was crucial for me and vital for both of our happiness.

I have crazy strong emotions for life and love and I am coming to understand more and more that I do not have to let that go. Trying to change myself to fit the mold of a life could not be more detrimental to my well being and health, not to mention so detrimental to the person who I am with. I know I have an incredible capacity for loving and understanding someone and I would die for certain people I have met. But for some reason, the life with Jeremy I thought I could morph my personal wants and needs to, just wasn't connecting with my spirit. And it is so hard because he is so kind and giving, and was there through the months of hell that I was done with life and trying to work through the crap that had been thrown at me. I want to say 'simple as that' but it is so so much more complicated than that. I discovered that I didn't have to keep living that life but that I could discover a life outside of my bubble. I could seriously step outside of my comfort zone and start my life from ground zero on the grounds that I CHOOSE. It has been incredibly difficult feeling torn between two paths but now I feel so good about having a future totally open and blank for me to fill and principles and standards that I can now set for myself.

It is now another thing having to start from ground zero not only with romantic relationships, but now for platonic relationships with a new crowd of people I never would have thought I could socialize with comfortably. I am now living in a new area, going to a new school with totally varying standards than the last college I was at, trying new things, and most importantly learning that every good and bad experience is EXPERIENCE! I have already had so many varying experiences that have left a good and bad impression, but now I feel less distressed and anxious about it. I can seriously take those experiences and brainstorm and decide what I liked out of them and what I didn't and if I want to experience something like it again. There is no right or wrong, (well obviously for some things, like murder or robbing a bank, or crazy illegal drugs, I do not plan on trying) just learning and growing and figuring out who I am. It all feels like so much. I hope that I can learn to navigate these waters now that I have jumped into the deep end. Did I mention that I have never been a good swimmer? Ha.

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope

p.s. I seriously appreciate the people that have taken the time to read this, and who have open hearts and minds, and still see the good in a young woman who made some premature decisions that ultimately cost precious time in two great people's lives. I have already been blessed with some great people who have shared their love and friendship. I will forever be grateful:)