Lately, I think I have been obsessing over trying to find some peace of mind in new people. One of the most important things on my to-do list right now is learning to fully navigate a new way of living without trying to cut corners to happiness or healthy relationships. To explain that in less confusing "Jessi-terms", I mean that I want to learn how to rely on my resourcefulness to really find people in the new area that I live, while figuring  out how I can be comfortable in trying new things. I want to really experience my life without falling back on old habits, old routines, or even old friends. That may sound harsh but I know there is no way that I am going to learn how to start over successfully and to learn to have the strength to carry on and be PATIENT with the way of life, if I keep going back to my old stomping grounds or trying to do the same things I have always been doing.

One of the hardest things for me is taking a chance and being brave with new experiences. I know, that probably sounds completely opposite from my post on being an ENFP, and also if you have the unfortunate plight of knowing me personally, it most definitely does not sound like me! However, one of the biggest points to my personality is that I am a very introverted extrovert. I do live for spontaneity and taking leaps of faith, but at the same time I am always aware of my environment and the emotional implications of myself and everyone else, that I can get extremely anxious about stepping out of my comfort zone. So to make myself have a little bit more accountability, I wanted to dedicate this blog post to the art of learning to trust the experience. I do have to say ,though, that it doesn't mean I am going to all of a sudden try every narcotic and illegal drug I can find, nor am I going to get caught up in a gang or whatever. Mostly, I mean learning to make friends with people I wouldn't usually befriend, trying new foods, doing activities that I normally wouldn't find myself doing (especially the ones that include exercising), and more than anything learning to be patient in relationships and letting things flow. Nothing is more obvious to me than knowing that patience is not my virtue. In fact, I am seeing things in a whole new light by taking the time to be patient, which in turn makes me even more aware than I already am of others and their thoughts and feelings. 

As an example, I am going out on a limb right now to talk about how I met someone new. haha But in actuality, this one was one of the biggest surprises that I have ever had. And I can usually anticipate any kind of surprise or change in mood or action.

Moving on.

I was asked on a date by a guy through tinder (do not roll your eyes, I seriously just needed help meeting more people!), and after a series of conversations about our lives, and deducting from the smoothness, sass, and good vibes I received from the conversation, I decided to accept his offer for a date. Plus, if a guy takes the time to talk to you and get to know you, and then ask you on a respectable date that happens while the sun is still out, you know he's got to be a gentleman of some sorts. ha So he asked me the best day and time that I would be available, and off we went.  As a side note, it was even cooler because he happened to ask if I wanted to go disco skating, which I absolutely love and he had no idea about, and that was awesome! But then I heard about a dance going on in Provo on center street and of course I am all about acting a fool and dancing like crazy so I recommended going to that and he agreed! So someone who gets my vibe and likes to do the same things as me (hence less of a comfort zone risk, HA) is pretty much a shoo-in to my tribe, but I did not want to get ahead of myself. Wow, re-reading this paragraph I see how scattered my thought process is but hopefully I haven't totally lost my readers. 

Once again, moving along!

He drove us down to Provo and we had nice car chat, listening to my jams, and things seemed to be going fairly easy, and I started to worry. I have come to figure that things cannot go simply and smoothly in my book, and if they are, that means there's a catch or that someone wants something from me. I became even more surprised though because we walked around Provo and he took me to a restaurant I've never been to (which is kind of embarrassing since I have lived in Utah valley for most of my life), and we just talked about life. It was in a way that was so comfortable and easy, I felt like I could tell him anything without worrying or stressing that I wasn't saying the right thing or passing a socially acceptable line of topics. I also found that we had quite a bit in common, and that he seemed to be very open and understanding and perceptive. Then it got even weirder, because he just kept looking at me like "how are we so alike and how is this so easy??" Naturally, I steered the conversation toward human behavior, and eventually I had him take the Myers-Briggs personality test and guess what he got...AN ENFP!! Which explains why we seemed to be on the same wavelength for so many topics and that we just understood one another and could pick up on each other's vibes, because that is what our personality type is all about. We spent a good 10 minutes laughing over the fact that we are both ENFP's. Now that I have read so much on my personality type, I see so much more in people, and ENFP's are notorious for understanding others and non-verbal cues. It actually started to feel a little crazy because we are so much alike, I felt like I was talking to myself sometimes. 

I always wondered if I would ever be happy with someone like me, but on a broader scale, I always wondered about the statistics of personality types getting together. I mean, as an ENFP, I could only imagine a whirlwind relationship with too much emotion and spontaneity. I did not imagine a successful relationship. But after meeting this guy and spending so much time together, I realized that there is something incredible about finding someone so much like yourself. Being so in tune with each other, you almost have this way of compensating where the other lacks, because you already know the feeling. I even voiced these thoughts with him and as usual I was a bit all over the place contemplating and analyzing out loud trying to find a point. I thought I had lost him in my musings, but he said he was right there and understanding everything along with me. 

SERIOUSLY? Yeah.

Then he said that he totally agreed with what I had said and that it was kind of like we each had "on and off " switches for certain things and when one of us had the switch on, the other had the switch on for something else, but it didn't throw us off but it made us equal personas.

Long story short we spent almost all weekend (and then the following week) together, literally. We watched movies and shows, picked up food, went exploring, and there was never a dull moment. We just clicked and it felt like a dream. Of course, after being married and realizing how much I have to learn about myself and what appeared to be a total "tank" on my part, I find myself uncharacteristically pessimistic about love. I could feel myself pulling away from him emotionally and I was starting to do my little emotional avoidance dance so I wouldn't let my heart feel what it wanted. Then I took a step back and really thought about my goals for this next phase of my life and I knew that I could not stop myself from feeling what I wanted to feel. That wasn't a natural process! Even if things ended up in flames for whatever I try or do, this is my time to experience and learn and grow and figure out WHO I AM. So, I am going to give in to my emotions and the natural cycle of things and see where life takes me. Really, truly, falling in love with life and its possibilities and taking a chance. Nothing is more exhilarating to an ENFP than finding a healthy cliff to take a leap of faith off of, haha 

For my own sanity and comfort of honesty, things with this guy may or may not have panned out...and it will probably be obvious because the tones of this post, at least in my mind, show that I wrote this post on two different occasions. Oddly enough, I have that heartbroken feeling of the unknown and not really knowing where to put all of these feelings that I have, but I am not at my end. The world is still spinning and I find myself having to take the lack of contact with someone that swooped in and out of my life day by day. I am not saying that this person is no longer in my tribe, but every relationship has its struggles and issues, and only the future will tell. However, it has been a painstaking process, but I am slowly but surely learning to keep my dancing feet moving and working towards the goals I have as a Jessi figure standing happily alone. Which sounds morbid! In actuality though, it is fantastic to have my own aspirations and things to do that I do not need anyone else for! I really mean that. As someone that jumps full throttle into feelings, it is never easy having to take a step back and feel that wrench to the chest of losing someone important. But I am confident that I am still just as amazing and ambitious and ready to make magic happen, with or without other people in my life. Which recently includes not just "significant others" but friends too. It is incredible the way friends can change a tune in my music and all of a sudden they aren't in my tribe anymore. Back to my thought a few sentences up though, I am capable  enough, brave enough, and sassy enough to keep going and bringing my own kind of happiness just being me. I hope that everyone can feel that power and realize their potential to be extraordinary as themselves! Which I am not saying this just for single people but truly everyone. As humans, I believe it is vital to have a passion and drive and determination to accomplish personal goals that don't involve anyone else. Support systems of friends and loved ones are awesome (and something I am working on strengthening for myself), but there is great intimate power when we do things for ourselves! Dare I say that moments of selfish aspirations can be healing? I think I will. 

So here is to our individuality! Which sounds opposite then what the title of this post is, but I still think it flows. Finding my tribe encompasses finding and keeping my friends and loved ones that help and uplift my life, while also finding my tribe within myself and getting to know who I am. How can I surround myself with people I think will improve who I am, if I am still not entirely sure who that is? Is it obvious that I'm going through an identity crisis? Just kidding. Kind of. 

Anyways, I am excited to start making some bigger changes to this blog, changing my creative direction, and introducing some exciting new things! The changes will not be immediate (making sure I have my vision and that everything looks near perfect takes some time and tweaking), but my next post should have a bit more details that I'll most likely be embarrassed over, but personal feedback on what I should start covering would be greatly appreciated!

Until the next personal epiphany my friends. 

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope