There is something so comforting to me when I can just sit in a place full of books. Right now I am sitting in the Barnes and Noble where I live and I just had to take a sigh of relief for a moment. Everywhere I look, there are small objects full to the brim with new knowledge and things I can read to escape my reality on a mental level. It is like being surrounded with new people to meet that can carry an intelligent and inspiring conversation with me. Well, at least most of them, haha

Yesterday was my parent's 50th anniversary. 50 long years, full of so many memories I could not even begin to understand what that would feel like to carry around memories for that long of a time with someone else, and 15 kids thrown into that mix right along with it. As I sat there with the small amount of my siblings and their families that came, watching my parent's tribute video with some of my siblings that I haven't laid eyes on for years, I was pretty mixed in my feelings. I mean, if you have been keeping up with my blog posts then you know that I wrote a post on my childhood that definitely sparked some controversy amongst those in my family. It was true too, which made it even harder to acknowledge. My anxiety levels were pretty high leading up to yesterday as I tried to mentally and emotionally prepare to celebrate a marriage that, to be frank, left me feeling very apprehensive and hurt and still very much in the process of forgiveness. I didn't even think I could sit there and cheer and clap for them and act as if I am just so happy and honored to be a part of a family that has left me very confused as to what love really is.

So the day came and I was so nervous that I got a case of uncontrollable giggles with my sister, and I am pretty sure my grandmother thought I was crazy. Then the toast section came and the few of my older siblings that were there got up to say little speeches and one of them I could definitely tell was a bit veiled and strained, as he dealt with his own mixed emotions. I could feel a few pairs of my siblings eyes on me and my sister Jalyn, mostly because the others had gotten up to talk about being a Macedone and the Italian heritage and what the marriage meant to them, and obviously there are a few of us who are not actually of Italian descent and everything. Plus, I feel like there is a difference in being one of the African American adopted children in the family, where we have a slightly different experience, so it seemed like Jalyn or I should get up to put in a voice for the rest of us. Unfortunately the moment passed and I was glued to my chair and then my mother got up to say a few things about their marriage. At first, I was slowly feeling myself drifting in my mind over the past listening to her speak, and I was finding it hard to stay attached. Then she sort of paused and said that my dad had been a perfect father (which he had his moments too that I am not fond of remembering, to be fair), and that she had been a far from perfect mother and that she was sorry for the pain she had caused. That was when I felt like things started moving in slow motion and I felt something in my chest, like all of a sudden I was having an epiphany of the soul. If you think that sounds cheesy, wait till the next few sentences. Just kidding, it gets better and I'm getting to my point, I promise!

I realized that for the first time in a long time, I wasn't feeling denial or apprehension or a numbness over my family and, in particular, my mother. My eyes started welling up and I had to look everywhere but at my sisters crying next to me, and I saw my mother as a human being who appeared to finally, ever so slowly, open herself up to the facts of how we were raised. I started to feel my wall of anger and sadness and hurt start to open and give way to forgiveness, and it was a strange feeling. I am honestly sure I don't think I have ever really felt that towards her. True, honest-to-goodness forgiveness. I am not saying that all of a sudden everything is fixed and I might feel different in a week, but I think that moment really taught me something about leaving behind things that are not good for me.

Mainly, holding on to so much anger and resentment, because that shit will get a person every time--excuse my french. Really though, I am so tired of having to decipher how people are feeling towards me, and underlying motives, and putting in so much effort to keep things floating that are not working. When I finally stopped trying to push together the thoughts that people wanted me to think about my family, or my relationships, and just let myself feel what I wanted and to take a step back from the negative, that is when I started to really grow and figure myself out. Sometimes it is not about how other people feel, it is how I feel and the kind of stress that someone is putting on me (whether intentional or not). I tend to be a bit of an optimist with people and I have so much hope for things to be a certain way. I feel like if I can only hope and imagine things to be a certain way, that it will make it so. However, I have a great imagination but not that kind of power to influence people to treat me a certain way or be a certain way. And I cannot control how I am treated, but I sure as hell can control what I keep in my life or let go of in my life. I hope that is what everyone can learn to do in their lives as well. You might be saying "Jessi, that was all over the place", but I promise I see the connections in my mind. Basically, I am learning to say c'est la vie more often, and to stop trying to control how I feel, how other people feel, or the actions of either receiving party. By letting go of my preconceived notions, I am learning to move on and receive closure for myself amongst a very confusing and difficult time in my life.

I hope that we can all learn to do that together, and can end up exactly where we are destined to be amongst those willing to put in the effort and time and love. Is that not the purpose of life anyway? In the words from one of my all time favorite movies, "To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel. That is the purpose of life."

Here's to a fabulous week of much needed closings that will only lead to happier openings.

Oh, and happy 50 years to Jim and Cherese Macedone:)

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope