Hello my beautiful readers!

I have been thinking about what I wanted to grace your screens with, and I came across an article that a Facebook friend had shared.

The columnist was writing about her feelings on the #metoo trend going around right now in response to the surfacing of the allegations and accusations against Harvey Weinstein. Personally, I think from the videos and conversations released, not to mention how many women are coming forward, that he is in fact guilty of sexual assault, exploitation, etc. Anyways, I am not here to talk about Harvey Weinstein. I am here to do my own kind of a response to this column that I read called Literally, Why Can't I Say #MeToo? by Veronica Ruckh. It was a super interesting read, because she talked about how she has been having this internal fight with herself over posting her own "me too" after seeing one of her friends post it. There is absolutely no shame in saying when you have been sexually assaulted, raped, abused, etc. More importantly, women have every right to say when a man has done something wrong and they do not need to cover for him or downplay anything. The same goes for men too, which I think is also something that can be swept under the rug, because men can be sexually abused and everything else associated with that, right along with women. That being said, I think there is a much higher percentage of women who have held their tongues and tried to lessen the severity of their experiences with inappropriate actions, and I am now raising my hand to say ME TOO right along with these women.

It's quite strange. When I first started seeing people changing their profile pictures and only commenting those two words on their status', I felt really bad and I remember first seeing the story playing on the TV in my work lobby (which is pretty common because it is a new station). I could not believe the awful reality that exists in this world, where those people whom we raise up on pedestals can use that same power to get away with whatever they want. Anyways, I really only thought for a second about if I had ever been sexually assaulted, harassed, or anything like that, and immediately I thought no and did not really think about it further. After reading the article by Veronica Ruckh, I finally understood a little bit more why I had immediately said no when I can definitely say that is not true. The thing is, I know that I am a very emotionally aware individual (which has its pros and cons), therefore it is honestly hard for me to decipher if situations are the way they are, or if maybe, just maybe, I am imagining them differently. I really loved a section from her article though that helped me see that I do not have to downplay or try to talk a guy out of a bad situation that he created. Veronica states:

"I feel guilty using those words. I feel like I'm being dramatic. Or desperate to be part of a conversation for attention. I feel like I'm exaggerating. And I truly, in my heart, can't figure out if I am. I can't and don't trust my own judgement with the severity of less-than-pleasant occurrences that have happened in my life. It's never been a matter of me thinking people wouldn't "believe me". It's been an issue that I barely "believe" myself. And I don't know what that says about me.

But I do know this: my attitude, my feelings, and my self-doubt are part of the problem. I consider myself to generally be a strong, educated, feminist woman...yet I have trouble identifying these things, and further excuse them when they happen to me. That's not good. It doesn't have to be "bad enough" for it to count. And regardless of whether I'm comfortable or you're comfortable saying #MeToo, we all need to admit that we have a problem".

Those words seriously hit me and I realized why I have blown off a lot of things that have happened to me in my life. Also, I know that not everyone needs to admit they have a problem, (which is what she mentions at the end) but just acknowledging that things like what Harvey Weinstein was doing to women happens all of the time, and sometimes we as women do not even acknowledge that they do. As I write this, I find myself debating about even putting in a story I have just because it hasn't effected me to the point where I feel like I'm totally scarred, but it effects me to the point that I am still trying to sweep it off my mental radar. Veronica mentions something similar about how she didn't feel like she could post the hashtag because for the most part she has moved past the events that happened to her and is just living her life, therefore it felt like she was not allowed to include herself. As if there is a severity meter for experience and hers did not make it. I 100% feel the same way, and even when the experiences first happened, I completely played them off like I just chose to go out with the wrong guy or that I should have just walked away.

Things seem so easy in hindsight but I have a feeling that if I relived the same moment over again, it would happen exactly the same way. With the guy completely using my body for his own pleasure and disregarding my embarrassment, very clear discomfort, and protests. For one situation, I was so embarrassed as if I had done something wrong or was too awkward, and then I went to my friends and made it into a giant joke to try and ease the emotions in the room. In another situation, I literally ran out of the room and to my car and completely played it off like I was laughing and being coy, while inside I was screaming and terrified that his "playful" shouts to "get back here" would turn into him chasing me to my car. I once again have to say how strange this is and how vulnerable I feel talking about these things, just because I keep these things to myself, feeling as if I do not "qualify". How in the world would they if I still can walk around and laugh about things with my friends or go on dates with guys without having a panic attack over what they might do to me? That is not to say that I do not worry about that, and maybe a lot of my social anxiety comes from situations that I swept under the rug, but I just find that other people have had it worse than me. Which is true! But that does not make my unfortunate situations any less real than someone else's.

I think my greatest wish for writing this post and taking the time and chance to write something so vulnerable and putting it out in the open, would be so others can know that they do not stand alone. Wondering if a situation "qualifies" or is "good enough", along with not even knowing if you are thinking of things the right way, is a fairly common reaction among victims of sexual harassment, abuse, and similar actions. This goes hand in hand with my post about my childhood and how hard it has been coming to terms with things there too. In no way do I want to be fishing for sympathies (quite the opposite due to my pride actually), nor am I trying to just tag along with whatever social movement is going on, but I honestly want to provide a place for others who feel like me to come. It brought immense relief and comfort reading Veronica's column because there was someone who felt just like me. Unsure about where I fit in when it comes to this #MeToo movement. All in all, I just really wanted to post my thoughts on this movement for awareness and action against sexual harassment and assault, because I can now confidently and assuredly raise up my hand and say ME TOO.

Let us all remember to stand up for ourselves against things that negatively impact our lives and our souls, because if we don't stand up now, where will the line ever be drawn? It all begins in baby steps. It is really miraculous how we all began our lives with baby steps, and now look how far we've come?

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope