Hello darkness my old friend...

Yah know what sounds so good right now? A night in, by myself, watching Arrested Development or re-watching seasons 1-7 of the office, probably eating a small bowl of Chinese food. Did I put any emphasis on the by myself part? Well I am doing it now. I feel as if I am in some thoughtful stupor in a very rare and unusually quiet part of my brain. It is not strange that I can sit and be thoughtful, it is strange that I have been high off of this craze of officially launching my blog and adding new elements and feeling crazy good about the direction of my life, then all of a sudden...here I am. Sitting at the news desk per usual wondering why the hell I am all of a sudden depressed and thinking about interactions and people past that have left me in a lurch. Does that happen to anyone else, or is it just me? In a selfish way, I really hope it is not just me to have these moments that just hit you right as things are getting good. So today's blog post is about how things do in fact break my stride, but the ways I am learning to not let them get me down (language credit to Matthew Wilder's "Break my stride"). Wahooooo. Which was more of my sarcastic wahoo because that is just the feels I'm in right now. Let's go!

I would rather not waste my time

Who even likes wasting time? Frankly it gives me anxiety to waste time unless I am trying to keep myself from unpleasant experiences or I really don't have anything to do...which is still not that great because it gives me anxiety sitting still and being so petrified over the future and what is about to happen, that I will do nothing. Anyways, I am severely digressing. The point is that I hate the power I feel I am giving unknowing people when I sit and let past memories effect my attitude. If someone was not a great part of my life, then why do I still sit to wonder about the could-have-beens and every possible way that I could have done wrong in their eyes? How crazy is that? I am putting thoughts and actions upon them, while I may never know if it is warranted or not to even be doing that! I find that one Achilles heal I have is regret. I will regret decisions, actions, and situations over and over until I am in a total rut over things that have already happened. I greatly envy those that seem to take disappointment and heartache in stride seemingly with little ease. That being said, things have already been easier to get through once I realized my feelings, could pinpoint where they were coming from, and then if it was something that I could change. Which includes whether I can actually change something, and not the ways I think I can force change.

Under pressure, I don't think so!

One of the best things in life, are the moments when each person realizes that no matter if the future is uncertain, we can be sure that we matter. Life can seriously come out swinging at me, and it really really blows. I will not sugar coat that everything is fine and dandy, full to the brim with roses, because sometimes it isn't. I can further go on to say that I have no problem saying that everyone matters and that everything eventually has its end. Including the awful times and the awful people, or even just the normal people who can effect our lives in a negative way because they just don't belong despite all of our best efforts.

So, I hope that we can all learn to remember that we are human and despite our past and experiences that beg to come haunt us, we can say 'hey, you happened, but that was before and I am happening now.' Then pick up those killer good vibes and the amazing persona that is you, and decide on a positive direction you want to go and head that way. It can be as simple as deciding that you want to splurge and get a better dinner than just raman or another plate of chicken and rice. Find some way to become happier, even though it will most likely be so hard! That is what I am choosing to do, and that is why I am getting off of work right now and going to get some Chinese food and staying in, and maybe crying a bit over frustrations, but ultimately choosing not to cave in to the pressure.

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope