Sometimes I sit and wonder how I get by working at a news station and being an ENFP. Really, I totally wonder that. In my normal "non-working" hours I rarely watch or listen to the news. I think it's because I already feel this terrible tugging in my heart in knowing how much is going wrong and the awfulness that people can do to each other. However, now that I work in a news station, things are totally different and I can't help but be mentally and emotionally invested in what is going on. Which is not a bad thing, because it leads to being more self-aware and also socially aware and it is important to be caught up on current events. What if there was a huge missile headed straight toward Utah and I had no idea because I wanted to live in blissful ignorance of what was being shown on the news? That would really suck, and frankly I would be embarrassed if I didn't have to die if I had just watched the news.

I digress would be a good paragraph break I think.

Really, there is something magical about a time of year in the states when there is basically a back-to-back feel of major holidays all condensed in the end of the year. Maybe it is like that for a reason because the year starts to drag and then all of a sudden we have a glimmer of hope in knowing that the seasons are changing and that we can have time to celebrate and reevaluate our lives. I know some people do not enjoy the holidays at the end of the year for various reasons, but I like to take this time to reflect on my growth and experiences and what I have learned and how I want to elevate myself in all types of ways for this next year.

So, we are going to go on a little personal journey through my year and maybe I can give you some insight into your own. Mostly, I want people to see their successes, understand their experiences, and realize that the "failures" that may have occurred were actually successes of learning and growth.

First of all, I was admitted to the hospital (halfway against my will and towards my will) for the first time in my

life since I was in the hospital as a baby for pneumonia. It was crazy surreal and I remember having to sit in the ER for hours just to be officially admitted and put in a room. As an ER, that did not seem very efficient or helpful at all and I am not going to rat out a specific institution, but if any of you guys have fabulous recommendations of quick and responsive ER's in the Salt Lake Valley (I was in Utah valley before), please let me know. Anyways, I hated feeling like I was crazy. I hated even more the fact that I could not stop crying through their exam, through the suicide questionnaire, and when I was dropped off in my first ever stay in a psychiatric unit. I live in this perpetual state of denial really. That is just how I have been my whole life and also in a lot of ways how I was raised. I just hate asking for help and feeling like I need it. That is why I spent months and months so desperate for help but never asking for it, as if I would just burden the professionals who had trained a good portion of their lives to help people like me. I had always felt like being in the hospital would be so nice, especially while I was in my first year or so of college and the weight of living was crushing, and I really just wanted to be taken care of and have a quiet, calm place to run away.

If I am really being honest, as a recovering suicidal young adult, the hospital was my salvation. I wanted to be hurt so bad that I needed to be taken care of, and I felt the doctors could take better care of me than I could or wanted to. It was this constant push and pull to just be gone or be so hurt I would just be out for the count for a while. I should feel awful for being so morbid to you guys, but I feel like I am in a much healthier place in my life where I can look back and really go over those details and understand the gravity of what happened so that I can learn from it and keep going. I want to proudly state that I cannot remember the last time I wanted to hurt myself or do something to permanently end my life, where I am seriously going through my options and considering it. The thoughts float through on my bad days, but because of incredible therapists and counselors, I have been able to teach myself how to let them come and float by without interacting with them. I find the harder I fight and try to live in denial of what I am thinking, the more likely I will give in to them. My hospital stay was not long (I have this kind of attitude where I can get myself out of pretty much anything, including staying in the hospital as long as recommended. I know, I'm terrible but it was still a very beneficial stay!) and yet that is one of the prominent points of my 2016 year. Not a great time, but a hell of a lot of growth and learning.

Next, I saw the movie A Monster Calls in theaters towards the beginning of the year. I can't remember if I already mentioned this movie in another post but regardless I want to mention it again! It is an incredible movie. That is all really. They classified the movie as a children's film but the themes within the movie are quite old in nature, and deal with so many of the real emotions that occur when someone goes through the grieving process. It was also a great source for tweens and other kids who have dealt, are dealing, or will deal with the loss of a parent. I'm pretty sure I cried through the majority of the movie, but so did everyone else (I even saw young kids around 10 or 12) who couldn't hold their tears either. The film somehow dives right in and finds some vein of thought that can relate to all types of humans and the varying experiences we all have.

For example, I was thinking about my birth mother throughout the film, and how I felt like I missed so much about her life and I never got the chance to meet her. More importantly, she was alive at some point and I can't help but think that if my familial circumstances had been different, I might have been given the opportunity to meet her before it had been too late. Of course I cannot see the future, but I never got the chance to meet the woman that gave birth to me, who's likeness I have, and who I used to dream about and wish for on the times when life was very dark. I also know full well that not everyone who is adopted wants to know their birth parents, but to me she was a type of symbol and I still have had to go through the grieving process for her death. Once I did finally recognize that I needed healing too and that I had every right to be distraught and sad and wish for her presence, I was able to see that I did not have to blame myself anymore. For a long time, I knew that I was the youngest of her children, and I also knew she had a serious drug problem that unfortunately led to her death, but also I blamed myself for it.

I used to think that maybe if I hadn't been born, she could have handled herself better or maybe even kept my sister. I thought that maybe the stress of my birth was just too much for her already frail body. I can't even imagine being practically homeless and then having a baby. On top of that, through research and conversing with my birth family, I am pretty sure my dad (whoever he is, wherever he is) was just a one night stand. If culture teaches us anything, it is that one night stands with unknown baby daddies are never a great thing to carry around. I am literally a bastard child. I think one of the hardest things about not meeting her, was realizing that I don't know where I came from. I plan on meeting at least some of my "half" birth family, but I am not sure it's totally the same. She is my mother. And I missed her. But, what I learned from seeing this movie and going through the grieving process, it's that I do not want to miss that again. I want to have my own flesh and blood someday (no matter how long, or hard it will be) and I do not want to miss a moment or a second.

Now this post is kind of my random train of thoughts, but I really do think this is the perfect time to think about life, and all of our individual lives, and what is important to us. Who do we want to become? Are we settling for less than our greatness? If we have an inkling that something is missing, what is it, and what are healthy and aware ways that we can gain them? On an even better note, how can we learn to be happy with our lives right now and seriously have joys in our incredible brains and talents and experiences?

I highly value every ex that I have had, including my most recent and most significant one, and I honestly hope the best for all of them. I know now what I really want in my life and I also know how to respect others and what they want too. I still have to come to terms with the fact that I will have to say that I am divorced, I hate that my marriage wasn't my last (or maybe it was, who knows), and I hate the hurt that I could have caused within the last year. But I also know that I have every right to chase my happiness and health and to follow my heart. So that is what I am doing, and that is why I am so grateful for this year of ups and downs that have taught me crazy amounts of lessons, and where I have interacted with so many incredible humans I don't think I would have even known if I had stayed in the same life that had left me so unhappy.

So here's to the rest of the year (2 months=61 days), and I hope we can all make it count and chase after our dreams and continue to grow so much as a human race. With so much awful going on, it would be so great if we could band together and create this incredible cognitive, emotional, and physical network of humans that look out for one another.

Cheers to this Wednesday lovelies:)

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope