Moving is sort of like sour patch kids.

At first, I spend the week before I move dreading the idea of having to pack up all of my things and go somewhere else, and when the day comes I hate it even more when I realize how much I have to fit into my car. Not to mention having to take everything down stairs, up stairs, and to and from my little hatchback. Then, all of a sudden my mood shifts while moving and I realize that I am on a new adventure of changing my life and moving forward. Things start to feel a little easier, and I become more organized, and I get excited to set up camp someplace new. Which is a bit of a different mindset for me, since I used to hate change and having to start over anything.

This might have everything to do with the past year and how many new beginnings I have had, and continue to go through. In a weird way I find myself grateful for these changes because I have never felt more "myself" than I do now. Dare I say comfortable in my own skin? This thought process was actually sparked after I watched the film Arrival last night. It is directed by Denis Villeneuve, and I won't go too much into detail about the incredible job he did in providing depth and wonder to the idea of extra-terrestrial beings. What I was really thinking about, was the way the main character Louise (Amy Adams) decided against trying to change her future, even though she discovered the ability to know what was going to happen to her future-daughter, who eventually dies from a rare immune disorder. It is hard to imagine a situation like that. Yet, there was this incredible beauty and intelligence in her words, when she decides to let things happen regardless of what she knew, and that she would cherish every single moment and second with her future husband (before he leaves her after knowing that she knew what would happen), and also her daughter.

So, the question of the hour...would you change anything in your life if you knew the future? There is a million ways to answer this question and it would vary greatly between individuals, but speaking from my own experience and perspective, I wouldn't change anything. I know, it is a shocker to both you and I! However, I took some time to really muse on this idea and despite the awful things that have happened to me in my life, the poor decisions I have made, the paths I took that led to heartache for others...all of those things are not the main point in my eyes. The point is that everything that has occurred in my life for better or worse led me to who I am today. With so many moving parts and time being so infinite and also binding (within the constraints of this world mind you, I would love to discuss the expanse of a broader idea on the side if anyone would like to!), I shudder to think that if I could see ahead and try to manipulate my life, I would end up worse off. I really mean that!

If I can be candid and show a side of me that I don't usually show, I am a bit of a nerd. Especially when it comes to psychology and the workings of the human brain. I want to believe that with true study, mindfulness, and sheer will to broaden our minds and allow ourselves to let go of our mortal and mental coils that seem to bind us, we could reach out to a new way of thinking and existing. That being said, chances are that life consists of so many different paths that could lead me to a certain scenario or lifestyle. I could think I am just dropping a pebble into the pond and changing one little thing, that could spread out and end up effecting my entire situation and manipulating things beyond repair. On the the other hand, what if I were to change something, expecting an entirely different outcome, but it turns out that I end up exactly where I am and being who I am regardless? So I do not know the future as of now, but I want to believe that I needed every moment of heart break, angry fights, body shaking sobs, kisses, hugs, achievements, defeats, and moments where I was standing on the mental cliffs ready to jump, to get to the Jessi I am today. Those who wished to keep me down thought they succeeded when they broke my spirit, only helped to get me to the stable and capable place I sit in at this moment. For my angels in all forms who did the little and large things to boost me back up, they had a small hand in my happiness and successes thus far.

Anyways, this post was a doozy and I am sorry if I bored anyone to tears, or left a lot of confusion, but I just wanted to leave a bit of wiggle room in your minds to think about where you came from and what has led you to the points in your life that you are at. I know full well that everyone is at different stages, and I also know that not everyone is at a point where they can be happy with where they are and probably do wish to change the future. Just know that I am there every other day with you, and I will probably be there soon knowing my track record! I just want to believe in the good of people and that there is a silver lining, somewhere, headed your direction. Believe in that, believe in change, and believe in yourselves.

Happy Sunday loves, and may they be as soul-searching, relaxing, and musing as mine! ha

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope