I am really starting to feel it. That itch beneath my skin, the insomnia, lack of appetite and obsession with the way I look and little details in my life that are more than lacking (in my opinion), and worst of all is the jitters. Am I describing a relapse from speed? Maybe.

Just kidding, I am most definitely not on any kind of drug (including anti-depressants so there's actually a good thing for me).

As I get older, I am slowly but surely strengthening my "shadow functions" of my personality. I am learning how to know what my body and my mind is saying in the background of my big ideas and choices that I make on the fly based off of emotion and my gut. Does that sound confusing? Probably. Also, I am starting to talk in "Myers-Briggs speech", so let me explain this more in laymen's terms by saying that I know that I am very very stressed out. It is strange because I know that I find myself laughing and feeling good camaraderie at work, I no longer feel stressed and alienated where I live, and I am officially signed up for the next semester of classes to start my path to getting my degree in fashion design, while finishing my degree in the media arts. So if it is not that I am lacking direction, than what has me feeling like I need to leave the desk at my work and find the nearest giant roller coaster to ride or a cliff to jump off, for the pure adrenaline kick. I cannot get myself to calm down!

Any ideas?

Well, my semi-thought-out idea is that I may have a direction, but don't think I have a purpose. By that I mean that I know that I want to finish my degree. Nothing is more infuriating to me, however, than the fact that I have all the potential and natural skill to accomplish a job and still I won't be given the time of day because I do not have a piece of paper that somehow proves my work ethic. With already a few years and many tears of frustration and depression behind me from college, I figured that I would be dumb not to finish when I have already come this far. I think the direction I lack is where I am trying to find an "in-between" career, but I have so many great ideas for what I want to do that I don't know where to go. I can't stand the idea of letting go of something to just have a job for now. I want to have so much more than that, and I find that employers are wary of hiring me because of all of my ambition! Isn't that the craziest thing you have ever heard?? I agree.

How can ambition be a scary thing? If I were in charge of running a business or a team of individuals, I would highly appreciate and seek after people who had drive and imagination and the skills to think outside the box. As an example of what I mean, I had an interview recently where the employer was asking me about my plans for the future. I told them how I am pursuing two degrees, how excited I was about them and how I could see myself doing a variety of jobs with those degrees, and that ultimately I knew I had the drive to accomplish whatever I ended up doing. It seemed perfectly fine to me to have a sense of honesty and conviction in my ability to adapt and to be open to the best possibilities of life. However, I have yet to hear back from them, and I couldn't help but feel like the conversation had shifted from going relatively well to relatively not great. It was even for a simple office assistant job that I felt I have had extensive experience with.

Photocredit: Marisa Tafoya

To swing back to a point other than me ranting about the frustrations of my work life, I am caught in this maddening, anxious, and crippling spot where I have so much I want to do, while at the same time I have no idea where I want to be. How do I just decide on one thing and stick to it? More so, how far do I go to just follow society and the path that people say works, while also being my spunky and creative ENFP self and knowing that every path is going to be different, especially my own? I mean, I found myself taking the TRAX (a small subway like system where I live) to work, and I was starting to stress about where I would be working when my temporary position ends. Then I heard one of my favorite jams as of late that you can find right here_____ and I started to imagine all of this choreography to it and a killer video you could do to show fashion styles and what not. I am pretty sure the other people around me thought I was crazy as I started tapping my foot and smiling to myself, but the fact of the matter is that I have too many ideas, and it feels like the pressure is on for me to squeeze myself onto one road.

So there is something to think on, and ultimately I wish for everyone to have a place in society where they are making a positive difference and also doing something that livens their soul. There are so many options and things that people can specialize at and really love, so I hope that you all can find that place for you. No one should ever feel like they don't belong where they work or are unappreciated, so if that is the case, I would suggest having the courage to go and find the best fit for you!

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope