Hi friends!

So I have been feeling quite under the weather lately, and I am pretty sure I have added up my symptoms. Of course, it might not be the best idea to google my symptoms because then my mind can run away with me. That being said, I am pretty sure I have diagnosed myself so please send help, I only have a few hours to live.

In all honesty though, being sick does tend to put my life in perspective as I lay feverish, dizzy, and wondering how my heart keeps beating while my chest feels like it's constricted it to nothing. In those moments when I have nothing to do but lay in my bed trying to give in to a lethargic sleep, I started thinking about how much life I have to live. With everything that has happened in my 22 (almost 23) years of life, I have come to a frightening discovery that time flies by. I have no idea what comes after this human life of mine, but time stops for no one and I want to make a promise to myself that I will look back someday and say that I seriously tried. Heaven knows I tried, God knows I tried, Hell, I seriously tried to give this life all I had. Everyday I feel like I learn something new, whether it is something at work, school, or just in developing human relationships. The biggest regrets I have in life are when I don't take leaps of faith, even when I know I can crash and burn real hard in the process. In fact, a lot of leaps of faith I have done in life did end up being very very hard lessons and trials in my life to work through. Yet, I know they were integral in my growth. They taught me to be brave, resourceful, honest, selfless, selfish (in a self love and awareness kind of way), and forgiving. To forgive others is a hard thing for me, but it is even harder to forgive myself. I am willing to take any heat, any trial, any life threatening moments for others over my own safety because I have that big of a problem with forgiving and loving myself sometimes.

Did that last sentence sound self-righteous? I think it did a little bit. I really did not mean it to be that way. As explanation, I can think of specific people I have hurt in my past. I have such a hard time forgiving myself that I am willing to take any kind of bullet, trial, or pain to save someone else I have hurt. Or to save anyone for that matter. That being said, these are golden years of my life and I need to learn from them and grow from them in the most healthy sense that I can. Which means that I do not want to lose out on any time I could spend being happy and cultivating myself and my experiences, by thinking that I need to suffer for others to make up for my past mistakes. Which probably sounds extremely morbid, and I don't want it to! I just put my honest foot forward before anything else. I want others who may feel like they have to suffer for any reason because of past mistakes (or even things that happened to their loved ones), to know that these. are. your. golden. years. Nothing lasts forever and so please do not let these things ruin precious time for you. I for one know how fast things can change even when I feel like they go on forever and ever. There are so many moments in my life that I wish I could have relived over and over, and yet I know that I have the chance every day to take something out of my day to cherish and add to the archive of my Golden Years of Life.

As one last thought, I want to point out that it may seem like I am all optimistic and hopeful because A. I have taken quite a bit of meds for my symptoms and I may or may not be in and out of sanity and B. I am still pretty young and so it may seem like it's easier for me to call these my golden years. That is besides the point though. No matter what age anyone is, you can call your years of life your golden years by believing in second chances, taking leaps of faith, and learning to brave with those you care about. I think the biggest killer is when we start to think that we are limited because of our age, weight, height, ethnicity, ANYTHING. Bravery comes from within, and even when we think we are alone in these decisions, there is almost always someone there trying to find there way through too.

Here's to a great week my friends and readers! Please do not let your golden years pass you by and take chances, you will never get these moments back.

I just want to say thank you, because you guys help me brave everyday too.

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope