Hello beautiful people!

In the months I have spent away from this blog, I have been pulling my life back together piece by piece, attempting to figure out a direction. The hardest part of life is trying to decide where to go. Basically, you get to pick a direction and hope against all hope that you don't end up in the wrong place or have wasted days, weeks, months, or even years of your life. As an ENFP (what's one of my posts without a reference to personality type?), and just a general human being, decision making is by far the hardest point of any part of my day. Not to mention that I am lucky enough to have the crippling panic of anxiety and smothering depressive episodes to help me along.

SO, you are probably wondering "HOW THE HELL DO YOU EVEN GET ANYWHERE JESSI??". Well, I hope I can help answer that question today, and maybe provide some support to anyone else pacing at a crossroads. I'm right there with you friends, so let's chat.

You either jump or you bail.

Any time I have a decision to make, I come to the conclusion that I am either jumping in head first or bailing out entirely. I am unsure of how that sounds with my attitude being on such extremes. However, through extensive research and experience I have come to the conclusion that the only way I will make a decision is if I have that mindset. There is nothing worse than doing something halfway, at least in my opinion. So no matter what decision I make, I need to be in the thick of it learning and growing and bettering myself. There's always two sides to any coin, which means that I have seen when this mindset has greatly benefited me, and also taught some tough lessons that left me hurting. I want to believe though that those times of pain and heartache were worth it, since I became more acquainted with who I am, where I want to go, and the kinds of things (and people) that I want in my life. That is a huge point that I hope everyone can take the time to figure out! There is also major bravery when you learn to take the reigns and refuse to be halfway about your life. This may very well be the only life you have, which means that you need to make it count. Be in love, inspired, creative, driven, organized, active, whatever it is you want, and do it 100%!

Picking and Sticking with a Point.

Most likely as a consequence of my general behavior, diving into things tends to come easy once I actually make a decision. However, I have come to find that jumping in is half the battle. The remainder is hard work. Par example, it is easy for me to rapidly sign up for a dance class, get a gym membership, or book flights to a place I've never been. What I fail to remember sometimes is that I have to work my way through that decision, such as scheduling out gym time and ACTUALLY GOING. Or making plans or a schedule for where I'll stay, how I'll get around, or what I'll even do if I were to show up in Italy. Most things in life take real work and a sense of will, and they don't just happen (which is a saddening fact). These past few months have taught me major work ethic for relationships, for work, and just independence. It may sound silly coming from a 23 year old that should be already well on her way to grasping goals and working hard to achieve success, but I know that the best things life has to offer requires me to put in some major effort. Not to mention that I find things to be so much more satisfying and fulfilling when I really work for them.

Check in with Yourself.

En route to a dream or goal, I can sometimes forget to look out for my wellbeing, in all senses of the word. That means looking out for my physical, emotional, and especially mental health. It has happened almost one too many times where I get so wrapped up in something I am pursuing, that I forget that I need self love on the regular! That could mean a myriad of things, but mostly I like to take a step back. Which is hard. A LOT OF THE TIME. Especially if I am pursuing a significant relationship that I have invested time, effort, and a lot of love into, that I forgot that I personally matter and deserve attention too. Not the kind of attention of say a friend calling me or sweet co workers helping my bad days not be so bleak, but the kind of attention where I take a step back from everyone I'm trying to make happy and I increase my own serotonin levels by reading a really good book (by myself, no distractions or people). If I neglect my own personal well being on the way to a dream, then I usually end up crashing before the end or have some sort of blow up that can hinder progress for a while. Such as what happened to me this past week when I realized I've been going months without checking in personally and realized that I wasn't giving myself the care that I needed to stay healthy on a mental and physical level. As a side note, self care comes with some more hard decisions that may be necessary in order to live a healthier life. Including cutting out bad habits, not so uplifting people, and even those candy gummy sharks that you physically feel you need to survive.

In short, I am not a great example for decision making and I have to work very hard at each of those points every day. It isn't easy. Especially dealing with mental illness. To get real for a second, I have had serious anxiety problems as of late because I have been lacking passion for what I'm doing at work (great co-workers, amazing bosses, cool company, but no work pertaining to my interests), feeling this constant fear of being left or forgotten by those close to me, and just lacking an upward motion. I made some quick decisions that I have cried over with regret, and I have also made decisions to stick things out through tough situations on the hopes for better days. However, the future is uncertain. No matter how much I squint, and reach, and claim I dream about it, the future will remain unknown. A great thing though is that I can control what I do every day, and I can control how much effort I put into something. Regret is not a friendly face, and so I don't want to waste precious time worrying and worrying things into the ground. I have to appreciate everything I have right now, and to continue to make decisions and move forward with life, despite how scary that murky beyond may seem. I had a moment recently where I remembered that nothing is scarier than everything ending before I've even begun.

Here's to an excellent week! May it be full of accomplishments, self appreciation, and hard work.

p.s. This is a picture from a few months ago, but my friend boo'd me up and I am exuding confidence and happiness that I am trying to remember, so I am posting it:)

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope