(If anyone is wondering, the above pictures are from a recent trip to WA. I decided to move there in a year so say your goodbyes now.)

Hi friends!

To say that I have been contemplating a bit lately would be an absolute understatement.

Basically, I have been dissecting almost every part of my personality and had to confront my conscience. Does that sound borderline psychotic? I hope so, because it has definitely felt that way. All in all though, for the first time ever, I feel as if I am finally gaining some serious insight into the way I think, feel, and act. It is the whole reason why I titled this blog post 'Introspection'. Honestly, it is about DAMN time.

To start, I have no idea when I started forgetting that I was such a catch. Really, I'm not kidding. At some point in the last few years, I started believing that I wasn't an incredibly intelligent, caring, giving, empathetic, witty, and beautiful woman. It all started at an incremental pace. Moving out of a repressive (understatement again) home, starting college, being on my own, and navigating many realizations that life was nothing like I had dreamed, they added up to create an image. An image in my mind that I wasn't this remarkable force of nature, but instead that I was the same beaten down girl I hid behind as a kid. Only those friends and family I was incredibly close to really saw the fire hidden in my eyes, heard my ridiculous and real laugh, saw the courageous and adventurous spirit that would create elaborate stories out of the air.

Does this sound cocky? It is a high chance that this does, but for some reason, I can't seem to feel that bad about it. I don't know when this idea came into my mind that I needed to dampen down my spark or self esteem, but I don't think that is a terribly healthy thing to do.

Recently I have gotten really close to one of my coworkers that is basically an older and more mature version of myself. We have talked about almost everything under the sun, including her daughter that is almost right around my age and the craziness involved with watching her interacting with life. It was interesting, because the stories she told about her daughter provided strange introspection to how I used to be only 5 years ago. Then we move on to my stories and then my coworker would just laugh and tell me how she used to be like me. Luckily, she is one of the most fiercely individualistic, open, honest, and positive humans I've ever known. When I described to her how I wasn't sure I wanted to apply for upper management positions at the startup we work for, she just turned to me and said how she used to be the exact same way. When friends would get promoted, she would retreat into herself and try to hide even more. Until one day, she had an older coworker pull her aside and say (I'm paraphrasing) "What the hell are you doing? It is almost like you are afraid of greatness!" At that point, I just stared at my coworker and realized that is what I have been doing almost my whole life.

Through school, dance classes, piano recitals, track and field, anything really, I would automatically shy away from the spotlight. Even when I was excelling at something, I would just step aside to immediately down play anything I did. Or I would point out someone doing better at whatever activity I was doing at the time. I had learned or taught myself that I couldn't be great. Even as an adult, I have carried these horrible habits with me where I stand back to let others either tell me what I should be doing, or I let what they are saying or doing effect me to the point that I am not even being myself anymore. There is nothing wrong with being confident in who I am and being accomplished at an activity, or even better than others at something. No one should ever be afraid of being great.

Another point of my introspection was that I have serious trust issues. If you have been with me through my posts, this will come as next to no kind of shock. I do. However, I did not realize until recently how even when I seem to be telling a lot of my thoughts or facts about myself, that is not entirely what trust consists of. On a more deep and fundamental level, trust is not censoring or covering my thoughts or words because I am afraid of being misunderstood or excepted. Trust is also not me asking a billion questions about a situation or someone, which is a courtesy point I learned from my therapist. Trust is also not a constant feeling of anxiety or worry. Trust is when I don't ask a billion questions, but I know that someone is there for me and for me. I don't have to replace trust with just knowing the facts of a situation to the point that I feel I am controlling it. This one definitely came as a pondering point to me. I have seen some major problems and negativity arise from my constant need to try and control situations, people, and even the future. I push so hard to just somehow know what is happening that I end up just pushing people away or ruining what could have just been nice, trusting moments.

This has been by far one of the hardest points I have been trying to deal with on a personal level. That I cannot know or control the future, and that no matter how much I talk about it, try to commit to a set future, or convince myself of the future, it still is out of my control. Which means that sometimes I have to just trust in myself that I will be okay no matter the outcome. I will be okay, and so will anyone reading this. We will all make it through and learn to take a leap of faith into unknown waters.

Lastly, my anxiety has been the bane of my existence. More than anything though, is having to realize that despite my intelligence and comprehension, there is a place where I create facts that are not actually true. Seriously. This may be the hardest point of introspection out of everything else actually. During a recent session with my therapist, and then during an incredibly insightful conversation with a close friend, they both laid this thought process out. My mind has been working at full speed trying to decipher this new puzzle. How can there be this place in my mind where I see the world almost in a Dr. Seuss sort of setting? Where normal objects in real life are distorted into twisty, disproportionate objects in something I will call 'The Place'. Where simple phrases said by someone I know will be worked inside out, backwards, and upside down through twisting tunnels till all of a sudden what was fact is now fiction, and then I spit that fiction back out as fact. What's worse, I start comparing other things in life to these fictional facts. That is not to say that I haven't said anything honest (trust me people, I really have said true things and I'm not totally crazy!), but just that so much stress and worry I had over situations was really just my fear and anxiety. It is terrifying to me that I have let fear guide so much of my decisions, and most of it was motivated by my fear of the unknown.

Basically, I have never felt so overwhelmed with emotional release than I have now. It is almost like I am seeing myself and the world for the first time. Knowing that horrible things and people can happen to me, but it/they don't have to devastate me. The same goes with incredibly happy things, but I don't have to create ridiculously unrealistic expectations for things I could just be appreciating and living in the moment for. It is not an easy line, and I will not be perfect. I cannot express to you how I have to almost physically stop myself from looking so hard into the future, and learn to let things come as they will. It is perfectly fine to take a deep breath and let go of the control that we all cling to. Whether that is control over our emotions, control of our actions, or just control of ourselves in general. To clarify, I am not saying to lose yourself, but to know that you will be just fine through positive and negative outcomes. Just as I am learning that I can be fine in my introspection, in being alone, in remembering who I am and being confident in my growth and abilities.

Introspection is terrifying my friends, but it is so worth it when you can really know yourself and your worth and that you deserve the absolute best of life. Do not let fear govern your actions, but move slow and steady into the unknown and trust in yourself.

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope