It's been a minute, a second, and every other phrase to show that time has passed. 

I should really be gathering up more willpower to just write on my own, but the best inspiration always comes when life shoves me off a cliff. Oh well. I think that is ironic for life, or fate, or whatever anyone may believe in, since I somehow walk away each time. A friend told me recently, "what you lose in the fire, you find in the ashes", so here we go. May these words help in anyway at all, or else what is all this vulnerability on my part for??

For horrible reasons there are times that will rip a part of you away. Without that part of you, it seems next to impossible to survive. Just walking, talking, eating, sleeping, all of those things just don't matter anymore. Why even bother with any of those options when you don't expect to even make it with a huge chunk of yourself just, gone. 

No matter how dramatic that sounds, I know that is a real feeling that unfortunately many of us have to experience at one point. Whether through lost love, a death of a loved one, or missed opportunity of some kind. For me, it was a huge sucker punch to the gut that evolved into a hole in my chest that felt like someone had carved out my insides with a plastic spoon. I heard I am good with words, so I hope I said that eloquently. 

On a more serious note, I was having a hard time functioning on a basic level and I almost had to make myself completely blank and drained of thought to stop feeling the sinking in my chest. I was starting to feel as if I was drowning. It wasn't the kind I was used to on a mental level and I would just do some things to bring myself back to a more even keel. This time, it was the unexpected drowning, such as when you walk off the ledge obscured in the water and slip under the surface. 

As I felt myself floating and feeling as if there was too much of me left behind at the beach, the thought occurred to me that maybe I wasn't drowning of my own accord. Maybe I was in the water for a different reason.

At that point after that single thought, it became less excruciating when I was alone in my apartment, and I didn't struggle to breath when I was at work talking to my friends. Things were far from healed or perfect, but I managed to keep a forward momentum of some sorts. I kept making little goals, like making sure I went to the gym, or that I would pull out actual ingredients to make food. It wasn't as if I didn't know how to take care of myself (I'm a very autonomous person), but rather I forgot what it was like to stop drowning trying to take care of someone else. The hardest lesson through times like this for me, is going over everything like a broken record. Everything that went wrong, every situation that didn't end well, and especially any mistakes or shortcomings that I had through any of the process. As I work my way through the acts of introspection though, I am realizing that it isn't always about "everything going wrong" but more like the ways I can grow and keep improving any situation I end up in. 

It feels like hardly any time has passed while simultaneously, all the time in the world has gone by. 

The main point is:

In the middle of drowning after those hard hits, remember that you know how to swim. I realized that I wasn't drowning without someone, but I was dropping their weight that was allowing me to swim to the surface. 

I have been speaking in many metaphors, which has got to be confusing at times!

All I know from the life that I am just beginning to truly experience, is that nothing is more amazing than remembering my power and resilience to become the motivational, strong woman I strive for every day. It is truly freeing. Once you learn the strength that is your very existence, you can move forward into a more sure mindset that will propel you into success. 

That is not to say that these experiences don't leave me at a loss, because I still feel them all the time. I am saying that never have I found more direction and purpose then when I've been let down. Does that make any sense at all? Well, the cynicism is real, but that is a whole different story and conversation. 

Remember that you can keep swimming through any tough waters you pass through! It may take a while, but always take pride in the growth and power you build through each experience.

Have a fab week lovelies! As always, you have someone in your corner cheering you on.

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope