HELLO ALL!

It has been about a year (maybe more) since I have written a new post and believe me when I say that I have once again entered a brand new stage of life. Is it weird that I almost wish that things had stayed slightly the same? By that I mean that coming into something totally new is absolutely terrifying, while also being an amazing opportunity to redefine myself in the image I choose.

So, here we go. 

It was on a cold December night in the yesteryear of 2018 (speaking as dramatically as possible) that my universe collided with the very last person I was expecting to meet during a night out with a friend. I was fresh out of a terribly toxic relationship, with the saying that I was "totally single and loving life and playing the field". Which was a lie, and deep in my mind I knew that past experiences would once again plague my emotional and romantic psyche for more than a day or two...BUT...there I was, out in the crowds. While wandering around trying to find a place to breathe with my friend, I met a girl named Tyra (like Tyra Banks, yah know), who was also out with some friends. 

I'll spare the forever long details and say that night, I came to find that I was meeting one of the sweetest, generous, funny, and caring loves of my existence. 

Since then, my social life and identity has done a complete 180. I will not sugar coat it to say that it has been sunshine and roses, since this "new life" let's call it, is completely the opposite of what I had imagined for myself up until that night (and possibly what some of my readers and those in my closer circles had imagined too). For those who don't know me, I am and always have been a dreamer, and that is downplaying it just a bit. With a vivid and creative imagination since I was very young, I created idealistic scenarios for EVERYTHING. Rewinding and reshaping dreams I built for so long has taken its toll on something new and beautiful, but it is a new dream I can see now that is more solid and substantial than anything I could imagine before.

Now that I have found what I never knew I needed, it was of course brought to my attention that anxiety created from previous experiences can be just as substantial as holding someone you love. It is also very adaptable and will creep in to try and dominate any situation that I find myself in. This could be anxiety mixed in with the fear of failure to find the job fit for me. It could be my fear and anxiety that I will never find my true self or gain a hold of my enormous capacity to feel and experience emotion. More than anything though, I fear that my anxiety induced bad dreams or "worst case scenario" thinking will become a self fulfilling prophecy in my life. As always including my major fear and anxiety of abandonment in this good thing called love.

How can I combat and win against those deep darks? How can I possibly not let these anxieties run my life and cause me to question, run away from, and close myself off from success and happiness? The answer? 

I have no damn clue. 

All I can really say is that I am bringing back the concept of self reflection and discovery that I have written about in past posts. It has caused major pain and continued growth as I learn to let the emotions come and to acknowledge the presence of my anxiety. No matter how hard I try, closing myself off to what can be tidal waves of emotion and distress only prolongs the inevitable addressing of the situation at hand, regardless of how irrational those emotions and thoughts can be. IRRATIONAL is also the key here. I hate those thoughts more than anything, since I do consider myself a realist, and not having the power to always control what I'm thinking and feeling is maddening. 

At the end of the day, I am just learning to let go of my preconceived notions that I can control everything to avoid embarrassment, failure, and rejection. WHICH IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE. At this time, what I can do is learn that I am an amazing human being with the potential to do and accomplish the things that I dream. Someone once told me that I use my anxiety as a crutch (I almost wish though, then it wouldn't be so hard to deal with if I was making it up), and I can proudly say that my mental illness is just a part of who I am and helps me become a stronger person every day. I don't have to be frightened of my emotions, regardless of their tidal wave strength. I can embrace my capacity to feel life on a deeper level. 

This post is getting real long, so let me leave the door open for any of my readers to do the needed self exploration to embrace who you are and how you can grow, and enter your becoming. 

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope