Hi all!

This weekly post is a day late and a dollar short, but I have not failed in writing it so I'm pretty happy with that success.

Anyways, here are my musings on this past week. ENJOY.

Lately I have spent quite a bit of time working on bringing to life some personal dreams and aspirations. That includes resetting the bar for my schooling that I used to set before I fell off the deep end for a while. Now that I am in water that I can actually stand in, my mindset has moved into something more freeing and creative where I can pull in good vibes and manifestation to help me push on. I have let go of things that no longer serve me, but this also includes having to pry my fingers off of certain mentalities.

As a lot of you may know, anxiety is one of the worst silent enemies known to man. I know that there are most likely people everywhere that don't even realize that is what they are fighting in their own minds. I mean, I have talked about anxiety before, but these past few weeks man, it's been killer. I am talking about not sleeping, checking doors and closets frequently before I go to bed, and constantly looking around me when I am outside as if I need to pull some Alita Battle Angel moves on someone. That was a shamelss nerd moment but I also loved that movie so whatever.

Moving on.

Anxiety. Going out of my mind. Yep, there is the thread of thought and the point of this post.

Despite the small chances of someone breaking into my house or something awful happening (which unfortunately some of you may have already experienced), I legitimately couldn't shut off my mind and my pulse ran full speed all night long. This included my inability to close my eyes for a second while staring at the door. That is 100% the truth. I even found myself taking melatonin and some extra anxiety supressants prescribed by my doctor to help me RELAX AND JUST SLEEP. Can you believe though that I was exhausted and my body was trying to chill, but my mind was fighting to keep my eyes open. Even my body temperature played a role by skyrocketing to heat waves and I was absolutely crippled. Have any of you felt this lack of calm? Have any of you slept next to your partner knowing you aren't alone, but that making it WORSE since you felt that you had to stay awake to fight for them too? Well I am up at 4 am with you. On.the dot.

As something to help combat these shakes and paranoia, I have found that the only way to fight through the fear and make it across the chasm is to just give in. Which sounds awful! I know. I couldn't imagine how giving in could help me feel at ease. Last night however, the realization finally stuck with me that I needed to close my eyes and succumb to the reality that things will happen whether I want them to or not. It is just part of life. This only came to me because the power shut off for a while (queue the heavy breathing and shaky talking), and I tried to understand where my partner was coming from as she explained that she does worry but also knows that she can't control people or "the happenings", as I call it. She can only work to fight in the moments that come.

My mantra is this:

I cannot control everything no matter how long I worry and go through scenario after scenario.

To conclude this longer post, just know that it will take time, but you will have that moment to jump into the unknown as I did last night. Also remember this will not be the last moment for me or you, and it will take days and nights for us to breathe, let go, and just close our eyes when we lay down to sleep. It is possible though for us to beat that relentless inner voice inciting our worst fears and invoking that panic. We can do this together.

Please have a wonderful week my friends!

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope