HEY.

It's me, it's Sunday, and it's time for my weekly thoughts and chat session!

I'm going to say that this week was pretty interesting, mostly for the fact that I have a lot to learn, and sometimes that learning requires me to invest in some mandatory tests. What I mean is that it is easy for me to sweep things under the rug by saying that I'll just deal and hope that some weirdness will go away. Most of the time that is a great habit to have so we make sure not to crutch or hinder ourselves from pushing through and growing stronger.

Welp,

I have been doing just that, but something kind of happens when I am doing tasks. This includes writing, reading, completing things on the computer, being engaged at school, and even listening and talking to someone that is literally a few feet in front of me. To me, it's what I call the ins and outs, but to a lot of you, the word narcoleptic may come to mind. Hear me out, this is about to get crazy.

My issue with staying awake during the day started about a year ago (coming on two actually), and I found myself falling asleep almost anywhere at anytime. Of course the first thing anyone would tell me was that I needed to get more sleep, fix my diet, and even just drink some coffee or energy drinks when I get drowsy. No matter what I did though and no matter how much sleep I got, I would still be up and talking and doing my work one minute, and then feel a wave starting to come over me, my eyelids would droop and my head bob uncontrollably and BAM, I was out. At first I really thought it was just me closing my eyes for a second, but then my coworkers or friends would have to say my name a few times or tap me and say that I had just fallen asleep. Literally, right in front of them, and wake up having no idea what just happened. One story I remember distinctly was when I had a particularly exhausting episode at work and this time I knew that I'd passed out right there. I had even been typing on my computer staring right at the screen and saw that the sentence had gone all jibberish-like as I fought the wave. Then my friend started laughing because she said that one second I had been working, and then she turned back and my head was completely slumped over my keyboard with my hands on the keys. At first she thought maybe I had just started working a little lower down, but just about died laughing when she realized I had fallen asleep. LOL. Well kind of.

When I was just having a few of these episodes, it was funny...but it started becoming a little more embarrassing each time as they started occurring more. Soon I was falling asleep sitting on little seats or chairs listening to meetings, while I was actively taking notes in class and listening to lectures I actually really liked, and even just konking out in the middle of class activities! I would be awake one second while my teacher went to each group to see what we discussed on a particular topic, and then wake up to realize I had passed out. I had no recollection of it and my professors knew full well what was happening. My embarrassment has now been maximized by 120%. It is one of those horrible moments where I just can't control what's going on.

Of course, this could probably relate a lot to anxiety. I read up a few places that since it is so draining (even when we don't realize that's how we feel), that it could be a cause of drowsiness. It is one of those things that is just so hard to pinpoint and recognize, since it sounds crazy that someone could be talking to someone and learning how they do something and then fall asleep right then and there.

Wild.

After learning from a terrible situation the reality of what's happening to me, and just how sucky people can be to understand what's happening, I finally gathered the courage to just say when I have something going on. My pride begs against this kind of behavior, but what can you do when things can be on the line or get real scary when I'm out doing something like driving? No matter how embarrassing something may seem, I am learning to stand tall and be unapologetically myself and learn to take control of a situation by being the first to acknowledge the facts. It has helped alleviate A LOT of situations, and most importantly, helped me discover others who have a connection to this same type of thing!

You never know if you never try.

I wanted to take a moment to write about something more vulnerable today, because life is crazy and we all have things to work with, and they may be downright strange, and hard for others to understand. As your advocate, I am rooting for you and do not be afraid to look for some help even if something seems ridiculous. It could change your life. I know for sure that it will change mine.

Hears to one of my strangest posts yet, and cheers to an amazing week friends!

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope