Hiiiii

I am not proud of the way I keep making the commitment to bring a new post every week. It is kind of embarrassing on a personal level since I have so much I always want to share, and yet I find this weird restraint. Do any of you feel like that? When words, creativity, or any kind of vulnerability, is right on the tip of your tongue and yet you sit on it for a while? Me too. Anyways, let's do this. Here is what I have been thinking about. Welcome. Read on. Come closer.

Alright, I'm done with that.

This past week I have been on a mission to remake the possessions I have to match my spirit and release of fire. By that I mean the replacement of the things I had when I was single and chillin. OBVIOUSLY independence is something I will push to the day I die for everyone. However, there was a lot of memories in all of my furniture and decor, and it was just time for me, Jessi, to sell them all in a weekend and create something new. This included with my partner. But truthfully I had some selfish intentions where I just needed to fill the blank space in my apartment. It was suffocating me and also missing color.

Anyways it is amazing to see the creativity that Ty and I brought together so it feels more like home. I finally bought a true feather down comforter and let me tell you, I do not think I've slept so soundly in a while. How did I ever succumb to the belief that an alternative comforter would do? Also, an easy way to pick comforters, rugs, and all around decor for your house or place of settlement is to shop en masse at places such as IKEA and TJ's (Tj Maxx for those who do not know that hidden gem of a store). I know IKEA may not have an awesome reputation regarding their furniture, but I have gotten along just fine because EVERYTHING MATCHES! Literally. It takes almost next to no effort to find things in that store that just flow. To be honest though, it took me forever and a day to pick a comforter and a duvet cover. To Tyra, she knew pretty quick what she liked. But for me, I had to look at every color, every design, and go back and forth till I drove both of us crazy. Shopping with me is exhausting. I don't know how anyone can stand it, because I can hardly tolerate myself doing that. Before IKEA I was walking around TJ's looking at every canvas and decor item falling in love till I realized that I couldn't take every single thing I see. But I pretty much got everything I saw regardless. My living room and bedroom look amazing. Trust me.

So while putting everything up and starting the process of selling everything from my past life, I keep looking around my space grateful for the means of wrapping myself in designs that make my heart happy. Really. It has been cleansing watching others feel that love for my things in the same way.

`

However,

Despite that happiness, I have also been struggling through quite an episode of depression, and I HAVE NO IDEA WHY! I have been searching my soul to try and pinpoint any past trauma that could be enacting this in my blissful 3 day weekend. Then I realized that I was being pretty dense and not following my own advice I have given all of you. And overthinking (as usual). Depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolar, and any other disorder can be happening for no reason. Sometimes we literally have to just let it in to breath it out and take a beat. I took a nap during the day yesterday and today (which I never do) and cried for a while over the weekend. There was some wandering around not wanting to do anything in there too I think. The only reason I really got out of bed was because someone was coming by to take my couch. And then I had homework. And then laundry. Then dishes. Cleaning up my bathroom. Writing this post, picking up Ty while her car was being serviced, giving little Maxie a bath...yeah ok life was not down for me sitting in the dark. I wished I could, along with drinking wine and watching every sad movie that was oddly comforting while I was in the void.

THE POINT

Just because I am rising to meet beautiful things happening in my life has not changed the fact that I will still have struggles and things that add heavy weights to my limbs. I pushed through this weekend. The difference? This time around I have learned to proactively chase down hard things to push through them. When I challenge myself in the happy times and actively take time to go above and beyond the easy road, it strengthens my soul so I can be ready to overcome the unexpectedly difficult days (such as this weekend) and challenges that blow into my life. No matter how simple and "perfect" things appear, I want to keep putting in that work. Doing those yoga sessions with Adriene (she kicks my ass with a smile), staying a little later at work to follow up with tasks, applying for opportunities that give me a bit of a scare, and of course keeping up with this blog. My goals and inner push that I have been growing played a role this time. It may seem like something that didn't warrant strength, but it meant a point of triumph for me over a mental disorder that can do its damndest to take me down in those small moments that can then lead to larger moments.

Take a minute to remind yourself how it is crucial that you continue to work you muscles on a mental, emotional, and physical level when things are going your way and working out the way you want. You will need them when what looks like hell breaking loose will come to try and overtake you. Whether through friends, family, coworkers, bosses, sports, and even your own self. I do not mean to scare you and assume any of those things are bad! I just want to help you see your worth and that every day matters and that I believe you can keep building up your individual royal lives. Just don't be afraid of the work.

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope