Well,

I have come to write a new post and give my blog some love after these weeks. It is strange to know that somehow I am literally living in an epidemic which previously seemed to be only active in movies. Not to mention I lived through my first (and hopefully last) EARTHQUAKE. I still find myself watching from my balcony at the world "unraveling" in a way. It's funny that everything going on finally hit me when I was in Target and the freezer section was wiped out, along with all the toiletries that people for some reason decided to cling to. Maybe now is a great time to start designing and making my own clothes or writing a book, whichever comes first.

Honestly,

My time is currently being occupied by some seriously unreal things that I never would have imagined, and this is knowing after the fact. These things, moments, times, events...all happening in my corner of the world almost before my eyes, but somehow without me even seeing them happening. For those of you who know me and have read my past posts, I have been on this incredible journey to settle my past and move into a healthy and active place in my life AS THE DRIVER of it. However, imagine knowing that you have been driving through long stretches of land, mountains, oasis', campgrounds, cities...and then you blink and you are in the passenger seat. The scenery is blurring by and there are complete patches of time missing. Absent. To try and reconcile things that were out of my control and what I desperately wish I could have prevented, or even helped those who were in my realm of life and in need, is one of the hardest things I have to do. Well what I am currently doing. There is definite naivety and ignorance I believe I was living with on some level for certain moments, but others I just feel this blindsided helplessness. More than me facing my own demons and past, but having to look at the demons in other's.

Who knew.

I know this is pretty morbid and sad, I probably should have wrote something happier and funny (because I am pretty funny yah know). Regardless, I wanted to write out a tiny portion of this stupid deep and foggy background I'm currently navigating because so many people are in this fight too. Either of their own, or trying to help others in uncharted waters. The same goes with the wild world everyone is in right now with COVID-19. I HATE not having the wheel or knowing the future inside of myself, in the events happening around me, and especially the timeline of successful healing and positive change. It drives me insane...like really...anxiety, depression, and long sleeplessness nights for one please. Thank yoooouuu.

The best thing about feeling these things that seem impossibly heavy and impossibly unknown? The fact that we can. Our capacity to evolve and grow stronger from that which threatens our resolve. The imperfections of the human spirit that allow us to rise and rise and become truly alive in what we face down. Call it crazy, but I am fairly familiar with staring into the eyes of some devils, putting on my golden crown, and fighting right through hell to come out on top. The best part and satisfaction for me is when I see others do the same.

Okay, I feel like this post turned into one of those inspirational speeches that starts out with my super dark feels but then I twist it around to say that you great readers can kick ass and take control of your lives like I am doing...which is fine actually, I'll just live with the cheesiness.

Anywho, stay squeeky clean and immunostrong my friends! Peace.

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope