The Rising Phoenix

Yah know, if you told me five years ago that I would spend the next years going through at least three major self transformations, I wouldn’t have believed you. Back then everything was written in my small world of what to do, who to be, and where I was going. I knew the correct role to play to fit in, I knew what to say to please my family relations enough to not harass me, and I knew exactly how to hide myself enough to feel like I was passing as living. The truth was staring me in the face every time I looked in the mirror. The lies and hoops I was jumping through in my brain to convince myself that my reality wasn't as abusive, toxic, and suffocating as it felt truly were something. At this point I have to win a medal for developing wonderful habits such as my crippling tendencies to overthink, self-sabotage my relationships, and refusal to trust anyone. Love could be flipped around in so many different definitions and ways, how could I possibly believe that if I let someone love and care for me, that they wouldn't turn around and call me names, hurt me, hit me, or treat me as if I'm a living scourge on the Earth?

Living scourge on the Earth, wow, can you tell I loved reading and was raised religious? lol

I want to make things abundantly clear though right here by saying THIS IS NOT A PITY PARTY NOR AM I ASKING FOR IT.

This is a whole different kind of party. The kind where we pop champagne (or I mean, I guess diet coke or something if you aren't into that party buzz kind of thing. Alcohol is best in small doses anyway), and toast to the rise of a Phoenix. Brilliant, bright, beautiful, and shining in the light of a new sun that she created. Don't get me wrong, the past few years have contained some very wild, painful, unpredictable, chaotic, and depressive times in my life. Not to mention I have dived deeper in my emotional and mental healing than I ever have before and that shit...phew...that hurts. But yah know something? I discovered a long awaited download, literally while putting on a face mask and looking at myself in the mirror. I knew who was looking back, I truly felt her, knew her, and recognized that I had become exactly what I dreamed as a child.

And I mean that seriously people. As a young girl, I remember distinctly picturing in my head what I imagined myself looking like in my 20's. I longed for her freedom, her drive, her ability to make decisions for herself and not be pushed down by anyone, and the accessibility of her living authentically and exactly how she wanted. Sometimes I would just sit and cry into the mirror feeling utterly powerless to my situation and life, and I would picture my older self and what she would say. I just wanted to be understood and heard and seen. I wanted to be loved in a way that didn't include gaslighting or guilt-tripping into conformity, or even obedience to accept abuse as a way of life. Then when I would open my eyes, my whole being would flood with light and love and I would see me. But this time, I was risen. Thriving. Healing. Brave.

I saw this radiant young woman who I thought was so beautiful, yet I never thought I could look like her. Well, now I know I wasn't seeing my birth mother (which I actually do believe I was probably seeing her soul a little as well), but I was connecting to my future self. She knew I had a ways to go, but always let me know that she was so proud of me and how I could get through anything. The timeline I was currently in would not last forever. Things would get better, I would gain freedom over my life, and I would truly rise. She always let me know I was stronger than I believed, and one day I would understand why.

Now I am at the threshold to a whole new life and am in awe and gratitude. I could never have foreseen every up and down that would occur, nor the solutions to what at the time seemed like impossible problems. Releasing what no longer serves me? Yeah I thought I knew what that meant, but it really was ripping out all old roots and energetic chords that were adding more poison than medicine to my wounds and soul. I had no idea why certain things, relationships, or events had to end the way they did, or when someone who seemed harmless was actually hindering my growth and development into my most powerful recreation yet. It's even harder to understand when people are in your life for specific purposes and to awaken you to something in particular, and then they go. The universe starts pulling things out faster too as you go along, which I find amusing. Like "Wow Jessi, you really handled that healing moment well. I'm glad you were able to see a new kind of love in that person or recognize toxic behavior you were projecting and can now heal. Now time to move on, you got things to do and places to be" and bam, I'm on my way to a new chapter.

A spiritual awakening or even just self-discovery and acceptance involves you fully letting go of the delusion that you need to be in full control in order to survive. To surrender to the flow of nature, time, and just life. One of the hardest things I've had to release was the thought that my worth was based on the relationships in my life. That someone leaving wasn't because I was fundamentally broken, but because I literally had outgrown them. As rude as that sounds and I feel horrible just typing it, it doesn't make it any less true. Each and every one of us is the main character of our lives, and it really took having all of my connections stripped down to what feels like total scarcity for me to understand that my journey is unique and mine alone. Only I know what I dream, long for, and desire. Only I know what lights me up inside, and nobody can make those decisions for me. Once you remove what's not serving your highest good and potential, you can receive what and who will!

It really sounds incredibly cheesy, but I feel so goddamn powerful to have climbed out of the shadows and claim my worth. I am so worthy and deserving of real lasting love, acceptance, support, and fulfillment in all aspects of my life, and so are all of you! I have had to work through relationship after relationship, job after job, living space after living space, searching for a home that I never thought I would find. A place to belong. A place to truly shine and feel like I was me. Well, now I understand that my foundations and home are built first from within, inside, where I allow myself the space to be me and do me for me. First. Not second, not last, not forgotten, but first. I can put on my own crown, I don't have to wait for someone to give me permission.

So cheers friends, divine beings of light, soul family, readers, creators, warriors, and innovators. What reality are you bringing to life for yourself? What lights you up? Where do you feel like your most authentic self? Who do you feel safe with? What is the dream you had as a child that you remember to this day? You are in this crazy spectacular now and human experience, what do you think your soul wants to do next? How can we rise together to create a new beautiful way of being? How can we help Mother Earth heal? I would say it's long overdue to be asking yourself these questions if you haven't, so start today. Choose what makes you truly happiest, follow your peace, and know that you are always supported. You are never alone, and just know I am here as your first big supporter when you come out the other side of recreating your life to match your higher vibrations. It's never easy, but god, it's worth it. I promise.

Have an amazing rest of your week lovelies!

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope