The Way I See It

HELLO READERS!

It is has taken me a minute to come back to these roots, and I appreciate your patience as always. I have rewritten this post a few times this past month as I tried to gather a coherent train of thought. With my mind going in so many directions while also seeming to go nowhere at all, I didn't want to somehow botch writing about suicide prevention awareness month (which I caught at the last second), my thoughts and perception as a woman of color in the day and age we are in, or my recent battles with crippling depression and self loathing because of what my body looks like...Wow, so many wonderful things to choose from, I think I really started out this post positive. I'm pretty sure I have energy for just a few of those things today...

Soo,

In all seriousness, every year since March 2018, I revisit the experience of when I tried to commit suicide. Definitely in March, but particularly in September. I truly care so much about showing others that they are not alone, and that I know what it feels like to be dragging through your day and feeling like you don't even exist or belong anymore. To feel those mortal coils tying you to the ground loosening, and most importantly, just not having any answers for why you feel so unhappy. Even now when I've come full circle, I still deal with those thoughts of "Is this all worth it? The confusion, the pain, and deep emotions that always seem to come back to haunt me?" The mind is incredibly powerful, as I mention often here.

Also, as a side note, I want to make sure that everyone in the back can hear loud and clear, that YOU DO NOT NEED TO EXPLAIN OR GIVE A REASONING FOR YOUR SADNESS. Of course, if you decide to give some background, by all means share with those who I hope will hear and understand you. Otherwise, it is okay to not have a laundry list of reasons, or something like "this cause + this cause= why I am sad and I will be over it in approximately...5.5 minutes"...

Make sense?

I still don't have any answers myself for why I deal with such deep depression and anxiety, and why things I love to do (such as write), seem like too much to even think about some days. Or how I can have such crippling self loathing when I know how far I've come! If any of you reading this struggle with looking in the mirror and being much too unkind to yourself and your beautiful body that you cultivate each day, then I am right here with you. I know when a downward spiral is coming on, and I think of Adriene from Yoga with Andriene (stick with me)...When I am shaking in those yoga positions wanting to give up, she always makes sure that we smile and breathe through it and then I'm stronger than I was five minutes before. Take those small steps guys, they 100% matter! Wow. I am incredibly cheesy but oh well I guess.

Basically, I am here working my ass off to make each day count in some way, and that includes making it through on days when I would rather slip away. I am learning to love my progress, even if it includes amending plans to something more manageable (minus the self depreciating comments or negative outlook). No HIIT today? Alright well a session of yoga can be just as great to integrate some good flow and vibes to my mind and body. A huge get together or outing leaving me feeling pre-drained? Alright, we'll make a solid plan (that I stick to) that includes seeing those I love in a few days and just realigning alone. Personally I prefer some great alone time recharging with a glass of wine. Anyways, you get the picture.

I'm just so glad that through everything happening inside my mind and soul and in the world (Black Lives Matter!), I have an amazing partner and love who I'm building a life with, a sassy but cute puppy who shows me unconditional love, a fantastic job that I never thought I could find after literally losing a job just last year, and real goals that I realized are a privilege to plan for and achieve.

So here's to our growth, our progress, our relationships, our equal rights, and most importantly, our unique and individual souls finding reasons for LIFE.

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope