There You Are
It would seem that my Saturn Return years thoroughly kicked my ass and left me knee deep in the mud for a while there.
To think that just a few years have passed since I entered this space, yet I feel completely different than the last girl typing so many words from before. Before now.
Before our current Present, a budding goddess finally finding her wings. Shaky but undeterred, I have slowly lifted out of the mud and begun a wobbly descent to new beginnings. The sole reason I use wobbly is because this year, 2026, is the most I have ever put myself out in the real world, as Star, in whatever chrysalis form I had taken. I was TERRIFIED of being seen, and most importantly being seen making mistakes. My ego was heavy handing so much of my delicate parts while the social anxiety gripped my self esteem. It was hard being a total beginner again, really having to learn choreography and marks I'd seen myself doing (in theory) but then quickly realizing it was much harder in real time learning! ha
One thing I knew for sure was that this was worth it. Even when connections fell through, dancing became a bit hard, frustrating, anxious, all of the things that made me want to run and hide, I still knew it was worth it.
Worth it to give myself the space to finally fulfill a dream and long time desire. Worth it to show myself that I can indeed take up space. Worth it to spend so much exposure time lovingly reparenting myself. Worth it to finally heal the negative cognitions instilled in me when I was young that I wasn't allowed to be myself, to succeed without having to trade something of me in return, to shine and be great without hateful words spurning my every step. Worth it to know I actually didn't have to be perfect and still had value, my Prescence had value!
It has been both exhausting and rewarding and I'll be coming into more changes here soon and definitely larger steps into the unknown with my vulnerability. A project that has forever had the most run time of showing up in my mind than anything else over the years, other than my society of dreamers here of course. This endeavor will require so much support and creative genius! More than I've attempted to have before, largely in part to the fact that asking other humans to not only spend a considerable amount of time with me, but a considerable amount of their time to create something that may or may not end up as I envision (LOL), is a scary ask. At least in the eyes of this anxious girly who struggles with asking for help. I knew I couldn't do this alone though, and despite the rocky start with my vulnerability being burned the first go, I'm remaining hopeful in my intuition to keep trying and talking to people that call to me.
Want to know something weird though about all of this? I still found it a bit selfish. Showing people my vision for this project, and how I want it to be a movement film essentially to my own growth in my body and identity and what I learned by finding different parts of myself. For some reason I was like 'Gosh, the movie I want to make is going to be about my life experience, what a crazy idea' haha It's my art! It's my true vulnerability being put out in the open. It's me showing others who I am and hoping they accept me and want to build with me. Grow a relationship in a different kind of way, at least different than I have ever done before. Going slowly, getting to know people, seeing how our energies jive, fostering connections, continuing to set boundaries and being vulnerable in the unknown of it all, and hopefully adding members to my community that I can give and receive love from.
It is tough and often I find myself alone still sometimes, which is no longer spent in self destruct internally mode thankfully. Just learning to love my own company again, creating a safe comfortable space for my dog and I, and keeping consistent. Rest and time to let my inner wild child out have also been incorporated into the schedule and it's such a new thing for me to set a timer for a nap. Usually I just like to be doing things and trying to assign my productivity to how much I can get done, instead of asking myself what I needed for the day to stay on schedule and was there anything I needed to pay attention to feelings wise. Talking body. Talking mind. Talking soul. Talking intuition.
All this to say, I am so grateful for this year of new beginnings and I am ready for the next months to unfold.
Cheers!
Star
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