Thoughts from 4North

Hello my readers!

I cannot believe that I am on here again writing to you guys, it is has been so long I was giving up on ever writing again, if I'm being honest. The life changes and experiences that have occurred in my life have been all over the place! I am so excited to start sharing again though, this is going to be really good. For the first time ever I have real advice and thoughts directly from my stay in the psychiatric hospital unit, yay! haha Well it isn't actually a laughing matter but when you have been in the head space that I have been in (along with those I was with), finding laughter in these things can be really relieving when tensions get high. So here goes nothing.

First and foremost, HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! This is my first year truly embracing my beautiful self exactly as I am, an openly bisexual, healing, and thriving black woman. I am also once again single and discovering more and more about myself every day. I'm very grateful for the incredible support system I have gained around me through each moment, I really would not be here without my humans.

That seems like a pretty good segue into my most recent experience of voluntarily committing myself into an amazing psychiatric facility that helped me get back on my feet mentally and emotionally. The past few months have been incredibly charged as I ended a long term relationship with someone I cared deeply for, in the hopes that I would become more mentally and emotionally stable on my own to be able to truly commit myself to life. Now on one hand it made sense that contractually we could still live together because we cared so much for each other as humans, but emotionally and mentally I did not realize what that would truly mean to have to heal and move one while still in each other's presence. To sum it up: it was hell. I'm being perfectly honest, it is not easy watching someone you love move on. Especially if it was due to a choice that you made. I know you're probably thinking "well of course Jessi it would be painful. Any break up is painful.", which is true. Break ups are painful and I am learning to heal through my particular situation but I want to emphasize that healing is not linear. This goes out to anyone else reading this who has found it hard to watch someone they love move on at what appears to be a different pace than you. Take it from someone who knows, comparison is not only just a thief of joy but a thief of LIFE.

Let me put here *TRIGGER WARNING* for thoughts on suicide and suicidal ideation coming up:

Not only was I comparing my healing to someone else', but I was then letting my negative and intrusive thoughts start dictating reality and turning it into something it wasn't. Depression on overdrive, emotional triggering on overdrive, and negative thoughts on overdrive. This episode of depression has been by far the worst I've encountered, and it did indeed lead to major self harm and suicide attempts that I never thought I'd be capable of. As I mentioned, my support system of friends saved me each time but I was caught in circles of pain that I needed to break. Something had to change. I had to make an incredibly hard decision, that was really only hard due to so much stigma around the idea. That was when I decided to choose life, healing, and my happiness, and ended up with the cool crew of 4North, ha. Although I was only there for a few days, it was exactly what I needed. Space to clear my head, start a new medical treatment plan, and to realize that my thoughts are just THOUGHTS. They don't dictate my life unless I let them, and that I could hold the power once again to hear my mind without enacting negative patterns. Does that makes sense? Here let me give it another go.

There is a great book called The Happiness Trap that talks about how so many of us get caught in the illusion that we need to be happy all the time and that we can't let pain or negative thoughts into our lives or else we're somehow failing. Which is completely not true! We all have painful emotions and experiences for a reason, and they are going to happen at some point whether we are ready or not. The trick is feeling the emotion, sitting with the emotion, hearing the thoughts your mind may bring up, acknowledging your brain for bringing something to your attention, and then continuing on. I was getting stuck on acknowledging the thoughts and then letting negative narratives I had about myself then ruin everything I liked about my life. As an example, let's say the negative thought comes up in my mind that "nobody cares about you, or you're all alone". Previously I would have believed that and let it spiral me down into a deeper hole of depression. Now, I have learned to literally say "Thanks mind, I know I am healing and have a support system of people who care about me." Or "There's the you're all alone narrative again." and I breath and continue on with my day. I know it is always easier said then done and I am working on it right along with any of you who deal with the same thing!

Emotions can get so heavy, I know that on such a personal level. My mind likes to replay horrible experiences or emotions over and over again sometimes which isn't fun, but I can acknowledge the emotion and thank my mind for bringing it up and reminding me how strong I am to have made it through those experiences. Keep going! That is the biggest point. My first response to negative emotions is action (which lately was self harm), so when they surface I am learning to truly sit with them and allow them to flow through. I cry, yell, journal, go for a walk with my doggo or just by myself, do some yoga and breath work, and let my body run its course with the emotion. Running away or just trying to turn it off will make it come back bigger and worse later, and could possibly put you in a crisis that could have been helped.

So there is my life update and hopefully the start of a new series of posts about my self development journey through trauma healing, and especially the spirituality space! Ugh I'm so excited to talk about astrology and birth charts, my work so far with crystals, and even some human design theory.

This is going to be so fun.

Thank you as always for reading to the end and sticking through this journey with me, your support and even just reading one post means the world to me. Have an incredible rest of your week my friends!

Sincerely,

Jessi Hope

(p.s. Enjoy the home mirror pic but I got some ideas to show my blue braids later🤪)